Irate Progressive Liberals demanded that President Barack Husein Obama be impeached today after they inadvertantly found out that some of the Humanitarian Assistance packages dropped at his behest in his bid to be recognized as the almost completely legitimate savior of Yazadih refugees hiding somewhere in the mountains of northwestern Iraq near that countries insecure border with Syria were, in fact, laser-guided high explosive and anti-personnel munitions. Former Voice of God Jaybird Carney was called in to quell the political unrest, due to President Obama’s mandatory participation in a Best Ball Gold Tournament with major Democratic Campaign operatives and contributors… as well as past and potentially future Democratic Presidents.
Jaybird Carney also attempted to address the suddenly intensely heat leveled at President Obama by his Atheist and Secular Humanist supporters who had been enjoying the relatively few reports (at least proportionally) of Christians being behead and forced to convert to Sunni Islam stating emphatically: “Obama is OUR savior, not theirs! They don’t even worship him! We do!” Famous Atheist and Secular Humanist icon and anti-Christian belligerents, Professors Richard Dawson and Lawrence Krauss, perhaps most famous for wearing cruel shoes while they criticize things they don’t know about issued a joint, yet terse, statement stating, “Though we accept the trajectory of man becoming god, we do not believe that brown-nosing and ritual swooning clearly constitute religious worship.” Professor Krauss quickly added that he was sure that in a different dimension that can be postulated based on his religious belief in Superstrings and M-theory that divine beings like Obama can and should be worshiped.
[Rather than being cowed into issuing a retraction later, the editors of Cutty Snark feel compelled to state categorically that Superstring Theory and M-theory are simply scientific fictions at this point – that lack proven mathematical methodology and Scientific merit to be called anything more than rank hypotheses. At this point in time, they are best understood as religious expressions of faith. However, we admit in the next few millennia, mankind may have moved far enough forward (notice we did not say “evolved” because belief that any trajectory determined by random process inevitably and inerrantly moves in one direction requires belief in a power directing that movement) to actually submit said hypothesis to a little test we like to call – “The Scientific Method”! Until such a time as that can occur, the “Theories” will remain nothing more in our addled minds than specious speculation.]
Apparently in an attempt to preempt any comments that former Governor of You-don’t-even-gotta-aska Sarah Palin or other Tea Party persona may put forward, Jaybird Carney immediately took the opportunity of a brief lull in the cacophony from the room full of liberals to state emphatically that President Obama had cracked. He went on to explain that the blame should be placed directly on President George W. Bush, Jr., or as Carney exclaimed loudly in his best hawker voice, “The Ghost of President Past”. The former Spokesmodel of Liberal Ignorance and Ineptitude then began gesticulating wildly and invoked the pathetic pathos of Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, claiming that the ghost of the former President had psychically manifest itself during the discussions about what to do in the situation room, and in the absence of Former Secretary of State Hilary Clinton, the ghost had made the decision to drop the bomb.
And in an attempt to preempt the possible comments of sitting Governor of Texas Rick Perry, Carney careless commented that moving the refugees from the unsecured border between Iraq and Syria to the unsecured border would be too costly to the American taxpayer. Then he added nonchalantly, “Besides… all of the MS-13 gangsters are tied up escorting the illegal aliens we shipped to Hawaii back to Arizona because no guest in America should be subjected to the same threats and risks to lives and property as the American taxpayer. They don’t belong here. They shouldn’t have to worry….” He then added as an aside, “The Republican Congress has been negligent of their duties and responsibilities to pass legislation to protect these young vacationers… they haven’t even been issued health insurance or driver’s licenses… or even free Obamaphones with International Calling Options yet. All they do is complain and obstruct. They need to just pass the bill that President Obama and Harry Reid and the other Democrats send them so that we can eventually find out whats in it, because not knowing is less scary than knowing.”
Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi showed up for the dysfunction late, but immediately scowled and screamed: “That’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard! Who thought that ignorant statement up?”
Carney demurred: “Well… for the most part… YOU did….”
When asked where the press could obtain documents regarding the operation, Jaybird Carey remarked that they would certainly be coming, then added that President Obama and Eric Holder assigned Lois Lerner to handle all communications on the topic.
And in other… almost completely unrelated news… Former NBA player Dennis Rodman announced that Our Other Beloved Leader, President-for-Life Kim jong-euewewewun has offered NOT to nuke the White House if he is given complete control of the Los Angeles Clippers and $2 billion. He stated that that his current contract with ISIS awards him the entire NBA franchise, but he is willing to settle for the Los Angeles Clippers and $2 billion dollars, if he is also awards the rights to LeBron James and Kevin Love. His public relations officer explained that Kobe Bryant snubbed his offer to play him one on one on his secret palace court hidden deep in a mountain under Pyongyang, in the pen where he keep the Royal Unicorns – the only real unicorns in existence anywhere in the world. He also invited President Barack Obama to visit and play for the rights to control the entire world… in their own minds….
Cutty Snark 